As fun as rewriting a story can be, it can also be a source of pain, once you realize that you have to get rid of a particular line or scene that doesn't work anymore, and yet you've grown attached to it. I recently had to do some excising of a few lines that I was fond of, and one entire scene, and I thought I'd share those for WIP Wednesday so I have them saved somewhere. We'll start with a couple short lines that I found humorous (and none of these are edited, these come straight from the original draft):
~
[Jack's mother] passed a hand along her face, closing her eyes and finally giving in. “Okay. You can go find your friends and bring them back here. But there’s one condition…”
Oh Bog, please don’t let it be anything bad… Jack squinted. “Yes?”
“I’m coming with you,” his mother said. She marched over to the door and knelt down to put on her shoes. Jack was shocked. His mother was going back into civilization after condemning everything to do with it a few years before? Jack pinched himself to know if he was dreaming or not, but the pain didn’t wake him up. In fact, it was only made worse as Jack had accidentally dug his nails into a scratch on his arm that he had received the night before, one that was scarring over now. His eyes watered.
~
I had to get rid of this because I changed the nature of Jack's healing power, so that, much like the Aresians, any injuries he receives heal to the point of not leaving scars, no matter how deep they are. So there wouldn't be any scars on his body from the night before that he would have accidentally pinched... but I thought it was a funny thing to happen, and maybe I'll use that image in something else eventually.
Then there's this other exchange that tickled me:
~
“Mercury City?”
“Yes,” Mylo said. “The Mercurians built it belowground after the humans came to colonize this planet. It’s still somewhat of a work in progress, though, which is why a lot of Mercurians lingered aboveground in Hunger City to eventually drink themselves to death. They left behind manholes and trap doors all over the place as entryways to their underground city.”
“And we’ve known about them ever since we came here because there’s a trapdoor ever so conveniently located in our bedroom at home,” Xyloto said dryly. He wagged his head in disbelief. “Who knew we’d ever need it for an escape! I tell you, Mylo, there’s a reason I’m writing a book on all this. A story this contrived would become an instant bestseller.”
“If there were publishing companies on this planet, any story could become a bestseller,” Mylo retorted.
~
First off, I've changed a few things about Mercury City so the information here isn't accurate anymore, but I have to get rid of Xyloto and Mylo's little exchange because I originally used Xyloto to point out all the contrived parts of the plot and make fun of them, which incidentally made me hate his character for being annoying, and also I hope the revised version won't have any contrivances or inconsistencies to point out... so I have to get rid of that aspect of his character. (I'm still not very fond of him as a character though.) But I still think what Mylo said in response to him was funny (there's barely an organized civilization on this planet, let alone publishing companies...).
Finally, here's the major part I had to cut: the existence of Kylie's adopted sister, Eva. In Concept Album Extravaganza, Pink/Floyd reconcile with his wife and had a daughter with her, who he and his wife ended up abandoning when they left the planet to go to Mars. In SF: ALS, Floyd's wife divorces him and they don't reconcile, so they don't have a daughter, so Eva no longer exists. Here's a little bit of introduction to the concept of Eva's character:
~
Thinking about his father led Jack to think about Mylo and Xyloto, and then about the mystifying Eva. Although Jack had only just met her and had barely said more than a sentence to her, she seemed to be horrifically fascinated with him. Maybe it was just the fact that he wasn’t human and the son of a famous rock singer to boot, but Jack had an odd sneaking suspicion that Eva’s interest with him went deeper than that. He thought about her portraits on the walls in the main room, and suddenly a thought occurred to him that he had to ask Kylie about.
“Hey, Kylie?”
She flipped the record over. “What?”
“How old is your sister?” Jack asked.
Kylie paused for a moment. “She’s twenty-two.”
A piece of information that Kylie had told Jack entered his head.
My mom had me when she was eighteen… “So she’s six years older than you?” Jack said, counting quickly.
“Yeah…” There was a note of wariness in Kylie’s voice.
“So your mom had her when she was
twelve?!” Kylie stayed immobile in one place before setting the record down, putting the needle on it, and then pressing the button. She crept back to the bed and sat cross-legged at the end of it as a rocking song came blaring out of the boxes beside the turntable.
“My mom didn’t have Eva at all,” Kylie said. “But we don’t like talking about it.”
~
With that... let's move on to a somewhat lengthy scene where Eva and Jack have a conversation.
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