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Dec. 28th, 2019 10:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
between_time_and_42I feel I should apologize for the sheer insanity of my last post, but... I don't want to, because that rant has been a year in the works, and I honestly feel so much better for writing it out. Sooooo instead I'll describe a dream I had last night? It's semi-related...
I had a dream that I was in my college library, and I didn't know why it felt like I shouldn't be there (probably because I haven't been to college since last spring), but I knew something was wrong so I left. I started walking outside, over a bunch of green hills that definitely didn't exist on campus last time I checked, when I received a message on my phone. The message was from one of the guys I crushed on in high school (though it was really more of an attraction than a crush, in retrospect), saying that he'd always known I had a crush on him because one of his friends had pointed it out, and he always saw me staring at him and apparently in this dream reality, I had been filming a documentary or something on the last few months of school and I had included him in a lot of it and that was how he knew I liked him, but he hadn't done anything about it because he was with [insert the name of his real life high school girlfriend here] at the time, but now he was interested in getting to know me and wanted to know if I'd like to meet up and go to a record shop and walk in the nearby park sometime. I said I would while fantasizing about how nice it would be if we started dating and I could experience my first kiss and bring him over to my friends' get-togethers and then... I woke up.
It felt so nice and easy in the dream. So maybe I'm not entirely averse to "love." I don't know? I did start being more honest around my friends, when they asked me a few questions about dating. "I feel like [Blue] requires a very specific type of guy." "Yeah, no one." "No, come on, what's your ideal guy like?" "Nonexistent." And it feels right when I say it, it IS right, I'm not looking for a man in my life and I don't want to start a relationship and sure, there are physical and behavioral qualities that I find more attractive than others but that doesn't really have much to do with whether I want to be in a relationship with them, does it? Because I can be attracted to someone while simultaneously never wanting to date or anything like that. But then I have a dream like that and in the dream, that too felt right, to say that yes, I would love to go to a record shop and walk in a park and maybe make out in the car with a guy I thought was cute back in high school. But then I wake up and it's just a hard pass on all these things and I'm not really sure what's holding me back. Huh.
I watched the new Little Women movie recently and I really found myself identifying with Jo, the protagonist, especially when her childhood friend proposed to her as an adult, even though they'd been like brother and sister for so many years. But later in the movie, she acknowledges that while she felt it was right to turn him down, and while she only really cares about making her dreams as an aspiring writer come true, she still admits that she's lonely. And that is also something I feel I can identify with. I mean, not in a romantic sense, not really. But I do feel lonely sometimes, filling up all my spare time with working and "hustling" (for lack of a better term). I'm not sure what kind of companionship I need, but it's definitely a question everyone should ask themselves. Do I need a life partner to feel whole? What level of devotion is necessary to my existence? What kind of relationship satisfies me the most? Anyway, Little Women was a good movie, despite the fact that the non-chronological order didn't work for me at all, but I loved the story.
I had a dream that I was in my college library, and I didn't know why it felt like I shouldn't be there (probably because I haven't been to college since last spring), but I knew something was wrong so I left. I started walking outside, over a bunch of green hills that definitely didn't exist on campus last time I checked, when I received a message on my phone. The message was from one of the guys I crushed on in high school (though it was really more of an attraction than a crush, in retrospect), saying that he'd always known I had a crush on him because one of his friends had pointed it out, and he always saw me staring at him and apparently in this dream reality, I had been filming a documentary or something on the last few months of school and I had included him in a lot of it and that was how he knew I liked him, but he hadn't done anything about it because he was with [insert the name of his real life high school girlfriend here] at the time, but now he was interested in getting to know me and wanted to know if I'd like to meet up and go to a record shop and walk in the nearby park sometime. I said I would while fantasizing about how nice it would be if we started dating and I could experience my first kiss and bring him over to my friends' get-togethers and then... I woke up.
It felt so nice and easy in the dream. So maybe I'm not entirely averse to "love." I don't know? I did start being more honest around my friends, when they asked me a few questions about dating. "I feel like [Blue] requires a very specific type of guy." "Yeah, no one." "No, come on, what's your ideal guy like?" "Nonexistent." And it feels right when I say it, it IS right, I'm not looking for a man in my life and I don't want to start a relationship and sure, there are physical and behavioral qualities that I find more attractive than others but that doesn't really have much to do with whether I want to be in a relationship with them, does it? Because I can be attracted to someone while simultaneously never wanting to date or anything like that. But then I have a dream like that and in the dream, that too felt right, to say that yes, I would love to go to a record shop and walk in a park and maybe make out in the car with a guy I thought was cute back in high school. But then I wake up and it's just a hard pass on all these things and I'm not really sure what's holding me back. Huh.
I watched the new Little Women movie recently and I really found myself identifying with Jo, the protagonist, especially when her childhood friend proposed to her as an adult, even though they'd been like brother and sister for so many years. But later in the movie, she acknowledges that while she felt it was right to turn him down, and while she only really cares about making her dreams as an aspiring writer come true, she still admits that she's lonely. And that is also something I feel I can identify with. I mean, not in a romantic sense, not really. But I do feel lonely sometimes, filling up all my spare time with working and "hustling" (for lack of a better term). I'm not sure what kind of companionship I need, but it's definitely a question everyone should ask themselves. Do I need a life partner to feel whole? What level of devotion is necessary to my existence? What kind of relationship satisfies me the most? Anyway, Little Women was a good movie, despite the fact that the non-chronological order didn't work for me at all, but I loved the story.
